I'm just hopeless. Ive never been very good at turning up to class and now i'm slipping behind. IT's only when Thil and I are going through med stuff that i realise just how bad it is. I sort of get the kids stuff and the gynae stuff, but obstetrics is a big puzzle to me. It doesn't seem to fit into my head at all. What can cause an obstructed labour? Just about anything as it turns out; "the human uterus like a tetris game where you hope like hell you can find a place for that damn z shaped piece". Bleugh.

Its been so long since I've seen anyone too. Work, sleep, eat, sleep, school, sleep. I only really see Lachy at class but even he's usually busy with either study or his latest boy.

Sigh. Work's not that great either. But at least it's sort of sane (most of the time). One of the new guys at work has a crush on me. He's kind of adorable in a "there there, it's sweet that you're 18 and just moved here from the country" sort of way. I don't know why but i don't feel like it'd be a good idea to tell people that someone likes me- even if I have absolutely no interest in said person. Whatever. I guess it's nice to be liked.

Thilini got me a soft toy bunny rabbit! His name is Max :).

BAck to sleep then bakc to study soon i guess.

Mmmm. I don't knwo what to say really. stuff's happened. But I don't know whether youre all interested in it all, so there :-P.

Finished off paeds with a *fair* bit of help :) from someone cool. Dont know if I could've done it alone, sometimes I feel like I'm really not capable of finishing this. so i finish it, become some doctor somewhere... what's the point? Dont think I'll really make a very good doctor at the end of it. My knowledge is full of gaps, I feel like no parent should ever trust themselves with me as the doctor. don't know if I'll really pass, I guess i've passed so far, so there's no reason I should really fail...

*sigh*

You know, I'm in love! It's been so long, in some ways i never thought i'd feel strongly about someone again. It's nice :). I don't know what I feel so ... rotten though. Well, I do. I'm just a crap girlfriend. I can't seem to do anything right. She's... angry with me sometimes and nothing I do seems to make it right, i just keep fucking up again and again.

It seems like... a million light years away that anyone ever said i was good to them. Only one persons' ever thought that. And that person is on the other side of the world, painting and designing and drinking Guiness and generally being deluded about my goodness :-P (yes, that's an incentive for you to post, silly boy).

what am i doing with my life? Chilling out having a latté in Melbourne, or sipping a Pina Colada in the canary islands, or a glass of fine bordeaux red... in Bordeaux of course ;). Yep, I'm in an exotic locale, teasiing you all right now!

-V

My head is full of mush. it hurts to move.

I did something really really stupid last night.

I don't think Im goign to drink anything for about 3 months.

*sigh*

I... does she like me? Or am is this once again one of those 'going nowhere' sort of things? i have this thrill of that feeling that she likes me, i'm seeing her again of course, and i HAVE misjudged her, as usual... i don't think I've met someone who's quite... been so considerate in a very long time? I think i like her, but... does she like me??

this is too much. i feel like kissing someone, anyone. i feel in love with the world and in love with everyone around me!!

more soon ;)

Most people don't know I like art. Or that I did painting till Yr 10 and a little bit in my spare time at tafe... Sometimes you meet the nicest people painting...

I went to the art gallery with someone rather unexpected. We admired the large collection of strange phallic statues... and I must say I admire anyone who can loudly comment on how a huge renaissance painting resembles lesbian porn just to shock the old ladies :D.

I... think I might actually have misjudged said person quite horrifically. We had a talk about politics and such and she seems a lot more moderate than i thought she would be. Im sort of... how do you put this... glad that we do have someone in our class keeping things interesting. It is pretty damned boring when shes not around getting people fired up and to talk. I wonder how much I wouldve thought about my own opinions if i hadn't gotten fired up in class...

The free coffee was nice too :). Apparently I have a dinner invitation sometime soon?

Back at uni again! I dont know why, but this "final year student" thing is unnerving. Almost as if its a lie, I guess. Can't believe Ive been here that long...

I'm liking paeds though, despite the fact that im surrounded by ickle ankle-biters. They're cute though, its the parents actually that annoy me. Seriously. If you're going to smoke in front of your asthmatic child, then I dont think you have any right to get all pushy around doctors.

My elective was a bit crap. Talking to a whole lot of people who went off to africa or laos or london or whatever really sort of makes staying in Melbourne and doing onc at the peter mac seem a bit boring. Well, OK, i would be wrong to say it was actually crap. more like it was more of the same. The same place, just following people around, learning about a speciality that's quite full on and not necessarily that useful for what we do as interns... it was interesting anyway, in its own way.

only a year to go... hmmm.

It's not that I'm not glad it's over... it's just that the last exam was TERRIBLE. Really. The Palliative care station? I had no idea what I was supposed to tell the guy! Though, thankfully, neither did anyone else. this OSCE can be considered to quite definitely be rather, well, crap.

I caught up with Vincent again. I told him a bit about the Logan story and he didnt seem too happy- *sigh*. I don't seem to be able to think sometimes when it comes to being considerate, and then i look back on it later and just wonder what i was thinking. Vincents back for the summer, but only briefly. I was really looking forward to having him back... i was curious, and i missed him. It's just... different. ARGH. How do I explain this in a way that isn't a total cliche? For whatever reason, no matter how much you know that things won't be the same and no matter how good things are on the phone or by email and no matter how much you liked them and wanted to be friends... exes are hard. He likes Dublin though, and he brought me back a small painting that he did for me of this square in a small town near Limerick :).

The weather is really shit. It's grey and dark. It drips.

Ye olde housemate is still overseas, in Singapore visiting the parentals. I have the house to myself. hehe, i can draw the curtains and walk around the house nekked!!

In fact, maybe I'm naked now... wouldn't you all like to know ;)

Exams soon... I'm really not much in the mood for them, and all I seem to be doing is turning up every now and then, going home, cooking, eating, playing with the "int0rnet" every now 'n then as Amanda likes to call it =).

I kissed a cute girl again! Well, more than just kissed... it was nice. Her walls were covered with sketches, paintings, and she had half-made sculptures littering her place. The rain drummed softly in the morning as we were cuddling. Her hair smelt like clean, and shampoo. She had a really cute nose too- the kind you sort of just want to flick, just for fun- and small, delicate ears.

I don't think I'll see her again.

The next day I had dinner with Simon and the parentals. It was good, I spent the weekend at home because I needed to study, and Mum made dim sum for brunch. I told them about what happened with Logan.

"You know, I'm glad. I didn't like him much," Mum said and Dad nodded. They just. ARGH. they just looked so smug about it, like they'd known all along and I guess they had. It jsut annoys me sometimes. I mean, for example, they've always been really good about the girl thing, i guess and Dad's always said that i could take "the girlfriend" home to meet them if she ever came to exist but... they've never liked the girls. They've liked the boys every now and then, not that many of them, and usually the sort of boring Eng types that study a lot and come from respectable families like ours and their parents live down the road sort of not far away in Kew and... blah blah blah. but they've never liked the girls.

Dad brought out the wine a lot that weekend- it's not very him, I wonder whether somethings up- and he and mum told us stories about International House. the tame ones, i think =). I've never lived at college. Im not sure whether I'd want to, though there's something about belonging to a place and people like that that i sort of like... you don't get that much living in a little 2 bedroom place in Carlton. You do, however, get a nice big room with a queen-sized bed and the TV all to yourself...

Me and Amanda get on well, and she has books and books and a small cat called Elmo that happens to be a silver tabby rather than ginger of any description. The other day she brought home a huge Ficus. I'm not quite sure what we're goign to do with it. For the moment it's sitting in the corner, brooding.

2 weeks to go.

I've been good, really I have! Almost every class, and almost on time even :-D. So very glad not to be doing psych anymore, and so not very glad to be doing aged care. Once again theyve managed to be *incredibly* vague about the learning outcomes entirely. And as a result I haven't started studying yet ... Heh. God knows I'll be stressing like mad in a couple of weeks from now ;-).

I have a new book! I went down to Readings the other day and picked out a book that was nothing to do with med for the first time in months. A book picked out for pleasure, not for utility, not because I "should" read it. There's something great about the feel of a new book, the heaviness, the smell of the new pages. The way the pages are all crisp clean and uncreased. nice to buy something for myself for a change too. It's so easy to forget to do it...

I got Phil a book of cat pictures with zen quotations under it... but, *shh* don't tell him ;-). Methinks we have to hit the town and celebrate, i mean... commiserate our newly found singledom with a couple of bottles of good wine sometime soon!

I think the single thing must be getting to me... the creepiest thing happened to me. You know those people who you sort of despise for their opinions? and that you in fact hate because they are in fact what you despise about medicine in general and people who do things for ALL the wrong reasons? Just imagine suddenly getting on with them for a change in class and then suddenly seeing them differently... and having this sudden attraction to them for NO APPARENT REASON. This really strong urge... and then you just go home and try and forget about it, but all you can do is fantasise... *shudder*. I'm SO glad that only happened the one time. It's a little like those dreams where you're kissing people that you know but have never, ever been attracted too. Weird.

He dumped me. I asked for my money back and the wanker dumped me, he said that I "wasnt Nietzsche enough" for him or some stupid shit.

Fucker.

I finished my psych long case last Friday with a nice feeling of glee... I'd aced it! WEll, I think so anyway :-D. It's one thing that I really really enjoy about med, the fact that every now and then you get to sit down with someone and chat to them about their life for an hour. A moment of rest, while you gather your thoughts. Actually listening to someone, their life. And I think that's what makes it for me, the fact that I'm not sitting in some crappy office somewhere doign paperwork feeling like a minion. My patient was great... well-educated about her illness, and I guess had a classic case. And friendly, and funny. I couldn't help but giggle at several points in the interview. I tried talkign about this to Claire and she didn't get it at all:
"They're psychiatric patients, you can't believe a word they say."
ARGH. To which I replied that just because they're psychiatric patients doesn't mean they're not people. I mean, sure, you've got to take everything with a grain of salt, but you also have to see them as people, have to understand where they're coming from, and get to know them properly if you want any chance of helping them, or even working out what their illness is and how to manage them. Anyway, it's an argument that annoys me and which I try and argue against if I can, becuase it can be dangerous...

Ideas can be dangerous... isn't that an interesting concept?

A few days ago a postcard arrived for someone who didn't live here. Seeing it was posted to the wrong address, I decided to go for a bit of a wander through Brunswick... 40 mins later and I find out that the number itself is wrong, and take a punt on it being slightly different. I finally get to the right one, check the name by the buzzer and then drop it silently into the mail slot and walk off, grinning to myself. A job well done!

So I'm on my way home, listening to my brand new Chinese knock-off MP3 player (Ben you rock), and this random drunk guy starts yelling at me from the other side of the road. I just kept walking, ignoring him. Later I come across this guy passed out at the Brunswick Road tram stop. 'you alright dude?', 'yeahi'llberight'

The sky was pink from the MCG lights and I'm listening to my friend's band while my feet tramp over the wet, slick grass...

Quote of the week: "I like hot dogs because they're sausages in the middle of buns" :-D

Last night my lovely brother managed to take me out for dinner in the city. Managed to have dinner at the top of the Rialto, which was very nice- haven't been treated for quite some time ;).

Im glad to be done with psychiatry. like i said, it hits a little too close to the bone sometimes. I think the things that get to me are when you see patients who with a few changes to their upbringing could easily be you. And then you get thinkign about your family and the people around you... I don't know what makes everyone around me so unhappy. ON that note, I have to take Lachy and Phil out sometime. I feel like I'm missing something. I dont' know what, exactly. I'm not satisfied with anything right now. Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive as far away as I possibly can.

A certain someone still hasnt' paid me back, and it's starting to get to the point of annoying. But otherwise he's behaving himself for the moment. It shocks me sometimes- he seems so breakable. I've got to be careful with this one I think.

Waking up, bathed in light, half-asleep in someone else's bed, someone not entirely unfamiliar, and looking over and smiling =).

It's days like this that you just realise how good life is...

Beatrix and the Kiddos were fantastic

I shouldn't let myself get so worked up about things. I really shouldn't. But yesterday, Thilini, the resident shit-stirrer in our group decided to start an argument about euthanising the crazies and how there's no point in saving people's lives if they don't want to live and clog up the system. Never mind the fact that most people regret their suicide attempt and come into ED wanting to survive. Well, it was kind of my fault for bringing it up. I just think it amazes me on a daily basis the kind of views you get in med. You'd think that ppl would be these slihgtly left-leaning types but it's not true. Health Practice just doesn't filter down to people who don't want to listen. I've heard the "HP is a wank" spiel far too many times now. I think that spiel is more of a wank and just shows you what kind of people get into med, really. I think it's fortunate that people like that just end up at St V's as surgeon wannabes. It's the ones that escape that concern me.

But this is the thing. I think what irritated me most about it was just my inability to argue against that viewpoint. It was really slippery, and I just found myself nodding to myself at points, just agreeing. It infuriated me and I don't know why.

...

In other news Psych is my cup of tea, but I am really finding the borderline personality disorder stuff difficult to sit through. I'm not the only one though, it's interesting seeing the looks on people's faces when they list the criteria and the risk factors. It sucks. I've really got to interview some pateints. I can't really be bothered... these semesters don't count for anything anymore.

Oh, and I have a date! Not going to reveal too much here, scared I'll jinx it. As usual...

As usual, I managed to avoid the med ball and make it to some other do in Melbourne. My friend Mel had a party that night and they had this kick-ass DJ playing with this band. It was sort of hip-hop influenced jazz stuff. REally funky. Found out where they're playing next- somewhere in Brunswick I think. In other news, I'm enjoying psych. Apart from the people I'm with. I really like my group, but I don't like being put with other groups. I don't know whether it's just that you get sort of close to the ppl that you are stuck with for 5 semesters or what. Well, that's not really true. I consistently don't get on with a couple of people in our group. But I find the other groups often have this completely different and kinda intrusive vibe to them. Does that make sense? "Clash of cultures" if you will. The vibe of the other group is sort of a bit edgy. Mostly because I think there's someone in that group who they don't like much. I feel sorry for the poor guy, he's just really enthusiastic, but I have to agree... annoying. I'm waiting to see whether the resident shit-stirrer in our group is going to shit-stir. I really shouldn't laugh at others' miseries, but sometimes it's hard to avoid an interest =).

Once again our tute got cancelled due to the clinical school not bothering to tell them to expect us.

Great.

Ok, so here I am, writing a LiveJournal. Yes, I know, giggle away. Adeline's finally gotten herself something that suits her just right, a whiny self-indulgent LJ =). Vell, perhaps, darlinks, it vill be neither viny nor zelf-indoolgent. Maybe I'll make it a bit more serious. *snork* you know I could never disappoint you (and more importantly, myself) in such a way!

We have started the discipline of psychiatry. Ooh, I'm fairly excited, really. Even though I found myself nodding a few times too many in the Anxiety/Depression lecture. Should I be scared?

In all seriousness, I'm finding it really interesting. Like there's been this whole other aspect of med that we just have been neglected to have been taught. I mean, you get a feel for it when there's this patient who is totally depressed and not caring for themselves and has come to you with their blood sugars through the roof and a foot ulcer... but it sort of makes me wonder about all those people who thought Health Practice was a wank.

Was I one of them?